A Pain in the Ass (surgery story part 3)

Welcome to the conclusion of a pain in the ass! Kidney stones will be talked about in great detail. I did manage to get an illustration that fits this week’s theme (good job!). Do you like surgery stories, snake metaphors, and attempts at motivation? Then you are in for a treat!

 

I wanted to use a train metaphor for this surgery but one of my friends said it was inappropriate. So, have you ever seen a snake swallow an antelope? It looks like it should be impossible but then the snake unhinges its jaw and does it anyway (that is a worse metaphor, Justin!). Sorry, it’s like that but also in reverse.

 

Before I tell you this story I should give you some background information. I got my first kidney stone about halfway through 5^th grade. At 10 I thought I was dying. it was a good run, right? Do you know who is not supposed to get kidney stones? 10-year-olds. My body tried its hardest to beat me up during my childhood (sure just your childhood). It eventually passed and I began my lifelong battle against rocks. This is a tangent but the first time I heard my dad swear was when he saw my urine for the first time while I was trying to pass a razor-sharp marble of death. Honestly, I didn’t think he could swear until that moment. Alright back to the body horror.

 

So, it wasn’t exactly a surprise when the CAT scan of my butt found a Godzilla-sized stone in my right kidney (what a great writer…such vivid imagery). It was just bad timing, and the surgery would be less than a month after the first one.

 

As far as surgeries go this one wasn’t too exciting. That doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt…a lot. And you know you have had too many surgeries when you start comparing different surgery teams. The first surgery was varsity. They were fast and at the top of their game. I barely remember getting on the table. The second was not that. They took their sweet time knocking me out. When I woke up it required an extra dose or two of meds to control the pain in a certain body part. During the surgery, they put in a catheter and run what I assume is a power drill, and vacuum up the catheter into your kidney.

 

Now I wish I could tell you that was the worst part but there is more. To keep the tube between the kidney and bladder open they put in a stent. This is about a 12-inch (don’t make a joke this is a children's show) soft plastic tube with corkscrews at the ends to keep it in place. Then they tie a string to it and the other end stays outside your body.

 

A week later at home, they ask you to pull the string until the stent exits your body. First ow! Second, I can’t do it myself, so my dad was the lucky winner. Every guy I tell this story to make the same expression and even with the pain I went through I find it hilarious. One more fun fact is that the stent causes a small amount of urine to flow backward when you pee. The body doesn’t like this and causes a sensation like getting kicked by a horse every time you urinate.

 

The two surgeries I had weren’t the worst I ever had or profoundly life-changing, at least in a negative way. They weren’t fun and reminded me that I am much weaker than I pretend to be. I found it strange that the surgeries didn’t affect me emotionally, not as much as they should. I know why, it was some personal stuff I was dealing with. I won’t talk about that part yet, maybe next year. Life can be hard and unfair. Giving up can feel like the right thing to do and I have been close more times than I care to count. Whenever I get to that point among many other things, I ask myself if I am ready for my story to end. The answer for me is I won’t be ready until my body makes me (that took a tonal shift). I wanted you to get something out of these stories. Maybe I want to tell you, that you are not alone because I have been alone, and I don’t want anyone to feel that way. Maybe I want you to know who I am so it’s not hard to connect in real life. Or maybe I just wanted to use a snake metaphor and make people read it (he is sick!). I will see you all in two weeks. Until then crips and non-crips, I believe in you!