Fatherhood

Do you like turtles, dads, and pink bunny slippers? This week is an illustration and I hope you can guess who the turtle is. I will get back to my role models series in a few weeks. It has been a rough couple of months (years?). The next post is going to be a reflection of the last few months. It will be sad, mournful, hopeful, and angry (he might swear...gasp). You might be used to that by now. Now let's talk about fatherhood (it will only make you cry twice, tops).

I would have liked to have the choice to be a dad. I don't know if I would have chosen it, but I hate that I didn't get to make that decision. Maybe it would have been too easy if I had been healthy. I needed a challenge and took it too far (I think he is being sarcastic). I don't even talk to Jacob (my best friend) about this dream. He can't help, no one can. People want to help and when they figure out they can't it's uncomfortable. I don't want to do that people. Yet for some reason I want to tell whoever reads this. 

Maybe it's because I never hear anyone talk about fatherhood and Duchenne with anything other than passing acknowledgment. It's technically possible but rare. Maybe it's the fact that I have seen a lot of loss lately that has hit pretty close to home. Or I'm in my earlier 30s with Duchenne and statistically, I am running out of time. I will celebrate my dad in this post because he deserves it. However, I can't help but think about fatherhood for me personally during this time of year. What would that look like? Is it possible? Why don't I have more realistic dreams? It's strange to be thinking about any of this when I have never had a girlfriend or even someone that has liked me more than my disease sucks. I have talked about that before and that is not the point of this post. What I am trying to say is if you want your own family you usually need more than one person (He thinks, he didn't have to take health class). 

When I think of being a dad I think of my dad and the example he set. As I get older he becomes more human. I think that impresses me more. The fact that he has accomplished everything I have ever dreamed of (a family, career, a home, people that rely on him) and under circumstances I don't think I could handle. He stayed, kept our family together, and gave me a home. I have it rough some days, soul-crushingly rough, but I am blessed or privileged (your choice) to have a dad like him. I don't have memories of this story but when I was around two I would slide down the stairs on my belly to get to my dad. They tell me it was carpeted so don't call CPS  (Isn't he 33 now?). I think that foreshadowed how I would deal with my disease and life going forward. If I wanted something I would have to figure out how to accomplish it. Whether it be getting to my dad or getting into college or just getting into a friend's house.

I think I was able to do these things because of the environment my dad provided for me. That's the type of dad I want to be if I ever get a chance. One that lets his kids figure out solutions to their problems. But at the same time provide an environment where it's ok to fail and not reach for the dreams that you are aiming for. In fact, I said this before but failure can make you more interesting. 

I don't know if my dad knows how much I pay attention to him. That I still watch what he does and how he does it. If I was always healthy I know I would be a carbon copy of him. I can see so much of his personality in me. Even with all of our similarities, I don't think I could be as good as a man or dad as he is. He is not perfect but I still find myself trying to copy his best qualities. He is hard-working, caring, patient, loving, (you can argue this one) funny, and the best dad I could ask for. If I ever become a dad I want to be a dad like him. One of the big reasons I would like to be a dad is to pass down his legacy. I think the world would be better with more people like him.

To all the dads out there you amaze me. I don't know if I will ever be a dad but I do know I am lucky to have so many good examples in my life. I will have more advice than I know what to do with if I am ever a dad. Dads, you are something I would like to be one day and who knows maybe that dream will come true.

I know my life hasn't shown you why you shouldn't give up on your dreams. I think that my life has shown that even if you try your hardest things don't always work out. But a bigger part of me than I would care to admit still wants to be a dad. This is orders of magnitude bigger than any of my other dreams. It seems impossible. I don't know if I should give up on my dreams it might hurt less. I just can't let go. I don't think I will ever stop believing that things can get better. Even with everything I have seen lately that hope still won't completely go away. I had this dream years ago that one day when my best friends started families, I would too. Our kids would be friends and we would have awesome family vacations or just backyard cookouts together. One of the things that Duchenne has hit the hardest in my life is my sense of community. Even the people closest seem so far away.  I know it's not always the case but to me fatherhood means a sense of community that I have craved for most of my life. I wish I could tell you that dreams don't hurt sometimes they do. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't dream. When life gets bad. When it's unfair and sometimes terrifying that is when we have to dream even bigger. I still believe these dreams are possible despite most evidence pointing to the contrary. Your big dream doesn't have to be fatherhood. It could be anything I just think it's important to have big dreams when life hits you in the face. Focusing on the things that seem impossible has helped me get through some difficult times. For the person reading this that is my advice. I know it's hard to focus on something bigger than yourself. It's hard for me now too. I know if you can life will hit a little less hard. You can lose a lot but you do not have to lose the pursuit of your dreams. Until next time crips and non-crips, I believe in you.