Love Deux (love part 3)

Thank you if you if you read part 1 and 2 or if this your first time on the blog. I have never done a three part series before. I hope you get something from this post (clinical depression?). Most of my stories have a layer of sadness. I don't like it either. I will have some comics coming soon to offset this melancholy story. Also if this story has a impact on you please leave a comment. I don't don't know if what I am doing is crazy, so let me know. Now to the rest of the post.

I guess I have more to say about this love stuff or maybe just clarify what I have already said. What I wrote before was the hopeful version (oh boy…emo crip time?). Kind of like how I hope I don’t spend the rest of my breathing through a hole in my neck. I hope I can breathe again, I dream about it all the time, but I don’t expect it to happen. I have two parts of my personality the introvert who is a little bit of a downer and a realist. And the extrovert who wants to do everything, wants to be around people, and dreams big. Get ready to meet Realist Justin. 

But before that I want to tell you the story from the sketch I did for my first post about love. It’s an Alice story from my senior year in High School. I will give you some more background stories in the future. This is one of my sadder stories I’m warning you in advance. It's important to my story but I still don't like it. Also, I might not be doing this whole blogging thing right. Instead of trying to impress you with my amazing accomplishments I just tell you my every failure (so brave). Sorry everyone I will try to impress you later.

It was my senior prom and I decided to go last minute. My friends found out that I wasn’t going and invited me. I didn’t want to go for two reasons. The first was I didn’t have a date. I tried to ask Alice a few weeks before, but she already asked some guy, let’s call him cool non-crippled guy. It’s weird if you asked me to name any of my professors from college, I couldn’t tell you, but I still remember his name. Is that normal? The second was the cool non-crippled guy. He was the first boyfriend she had since we became friends, and I was extremely jealous. 

I wish I didn’t still struggle with jealousy. The women I have liked are awesome. They are funny and warm. They help people and have strong convictions. They go on fun adventures, are free, and are beautiful (I will always pick the women that climb mountains even if I can’t). They are strong at least comparatively and usually a little messy. I know I shouldn’t hero worship, but they seem larger than life. Like stories from Greek mythology or a better simile for me they are like superheroes (did he look up simile for this?). When I was with them it felt like I was myself again, like my disease was small and I was “normal”. Then I watch them fall in love and/or get married and start families with someone else. I think the hardest part is none of the people they end up with look like me. I don’t blame anyone for not picking me or someone like me, I have a giant expiration date over my head. Like I said before I must plan everything in my life. If I go out and it’s below 50 my hand will freeze solid. Jobs, vacations, travel, and any level of independence seem like a pipe dream most days. I would not pick Duchenne if I had a choice, and I don’t expect anyone else to pick it. I don’t think it’s about finding the right woman anymore it’s the fact that I am probably the wrong person (hope that makes sense). This ugly emotion jealousy bubbles up and I don’t know what to do with it. 

I wouldn’t know how jealous until that night. We went to dinner as a group, 3 couples, and me. My friend Zeke fed me, and I was happy I had a friend like that. I was guarded about my life back then, but I was still close to him. We haven’t talked in a long time sometimes friends fade, that’s life. I’m still thankful for the memories. Anyways we finished dinner, and my dad took me separately to the prom. I got dropped off and I would call when I was ready for pickup. I didn’t know what to expect but it was a completely different vibe than the year before. The year before my brother and I went in a big group. Everyone still had dates, but it was more of a group thing for my friends (fun fact I had my first kiss at junior prom). When I got there everyone was already dancing. It was let’s call it close aggressive dancing. The kind of dancing that if I did it people would die. Then the crowd parted, and I saw Alice and her date. They were dancing and he was holding her. Something broke in me at that moment. I will describe some of the things I did to get her to like me later. I liked her for years she was my favorite person. All those emotions from years of infatuation decided to explode out of me that night.

In that moment I realized two things I would never be with Alice no matter what I tried and two, I was fundamentally different than everyone in my class and the people in my life. It was a celebration for everyone else. Everyone was happy and looking forward to their futures. For me the end of High School marked my likely halfway point. It wasn’t just that the women I loved didn’t like me. That is common enough people don’t get what they want in relationships all the time. It was that no matter what I did I would never be able to dance with someone like that or be desired in that way. That turned into who would ever want to pick this life with someone? Who would pick someone who couldn’t take care of themselves? I wish I could tell you that later I found out that I was being ridiculous. That my fears were unfounded. I wish I could tell you that night was the last time I would cry over a woman. But even in my 30’s I find myself in the same situation over and over again. The only difference now is that I have access to large amounts of alcohol (not sure if that makes it better or worse). It’s hard being called great and amazing but not dateable. I can be someone’s hero but not their boyfriend. And if you’re wondering that is the best version. The worst version is when you tell someone you considered a close friend and equal that you like them. Then instead of talking to you, they discuss this “problem” with your parents. That story will probably need a post of its own. 

Anyways I was spiraling, and alone. I couldn’t call my dad yet I just got there and he would know something was wrong. So, I drove out of the dance area and started to look at some of the art in the hallways. I was careful to not let my watering eyes turn into full-blown tears because I wouldn’t be able to wipe them. I couldn’t let anyone know. So, after I waited the appropriate amount of time “looking” at the art alone I texted my dad to pick me up and take me home. The hardest part was when my dad got there, and I had to pretend I was ok. Meanwhile, I was breaking inside. I didn’t want him to see how pathetic I was. 

"You got done early," he said.

"yup it wasn’t that fun this time," I replied.

That night after everyone went to bed, I cried myself to sleep. It was the type of crying filled with self-loathing and self-pity. I don’t think I ever cried that hard about being a crip until that night. When you cry, that hard memories that have nothing to do with your current situation bubble up and you cry even harder. Eventually, you spend all your emotions, and the tears stop. I have heard people feel better after they cry, that has not been my experience. I asked myself a lot of questions that night like why me? Am I really that different? Do I have a future? Or what kind of future? But the big question, the one that keeps following me. It’s a question I ask after every major setback or rejection. I asked it about Zelda, Alice, Juliet, and a few others I’m not ready to share yet. 

What am I supposed to do now?

While I won’t lose hope for the stuff I wrote before it’s not my goal (I wish the hand sweat part would stop, pretty sure I got cursed with that). I had a hard time figuring out what I wanted out of the rest of my life. It’s not the pursuit of romance but it is companionship. I want to do things with friends, dinners, movies, concerts, and just hang out. Maybe one on one (I promise I won’t die during this) or/and in groups. I love all my friends very much. I will tell Jacob multiple times a week that I love him. I love my female friends too, but I think saying that can carry some different connotations. I think that’s a dumb excuse and I am trying to work on it. Life is too short to not let the people in your life know how you feel (even if it’s embarrassing). I hope I articulated that well. I have felt this way for a long time. I just don’t always do a good job explaining it. 

I am having a hard writing an important lesson I learned from this experience, but I will do my best. If you love someone, truly love someone then it’s not about you anymore. I don’t like this answer but sometimes if you love someone you have to let go of your romantic feelings for them. Sometimes the best way you can love someone is as a friend. I have never been in a romantic relationship so if that was the situation I would have different advice. It took me many years after that night to get over Alice. Even though it hurt that she never picked me the thought of her not being in my life at all hurt more. So, with time and that thought I got over those feelings. 

The story didn’t end there, it gets worse and better. I had my best non-date date with her (even now probably one of the best nights I ever had with a woman). A couple of years after this I told Alice that I had feelings for her, and it did not go well. Looking back, she was right about everything. I was a young, naïve, and dumb kid (she didn’t say this but it’s still true). I will tell the story later, but she had every right to be mad at me. I don’t have many people that will call me on my shit and she did. Even if you have to watch her fall in love with someone else, I believe your relationship with a friend is more important. My selfish side fights this idea. I hate not being picked. I hate being rejected. And I hate failing. I keep repeating the same pattern of falling in love hard with people that can’t love me back. If you met them, you wouldn’t blame me for trying. Tangent I think most of them still deserve their own parades. I think people should fall in love with them immediately. People should celebrate them. They should break hearts wherever they go. They are good, funny, kind, and are still worth writing about even sometimes years later. 

What I want you to take away from this is to love the people in your life. I have experienced maybe an unfair amount of heartbreak in my life. That night shaped most of my romantic pursuits to this day. Those questions I asked have not got any easier to answer. I still don’t know what I am supposed to do. I won’t give up like I said before, but it is not a priority anymore. Instead, I will focus on being a force for good in the lives of the people I interact with (cheesy). I want your life to be better because you know me. There is a good chance I will never get the romantic kind of love I want but that doesn’t mean I can’t love you in another way (platonically not in a crime?). I love you all very much. This story is mostly sad, life can be sad. I shared this to help myself a little but mostly to show people that you are not alone. When the worst things happen there is still life after. As long as I am capable, I will love and help the people around me. I hope you do the same thing. Be a force for good. And if you happen to be like me or as physically disabled as me I know it can seem impossible for your dreams to come true. It can seem like you have to fight reality just to get out of bed. I can't say it will get better, I wish I could. I can say don't give up. Keep fighting. Fight for the people who can't. Fight out of spite. Fight for dreams that seem impossible. Fight when you can't see a way forward. I might fail. You might fail. That is ok it makes you interesting. I can't say it will get better but for me I will never stop believing things can change. Until next time crips and non-crips, I believe in you.