Love (part 1)

I'm doing something different for the next three posts. It will be a three-part collection of some old and brand-new posts talking about love. Most of the stories will revolve around Alice. I have chased love for most of my life. This has led to some truly cringe-worthy and heartbreaking situations in my life. It seemed like even when I stopped chasing love and pretty much gave up on everything else, love started chasing me. This has never happened in a helpful way. It's mostly in a cruel you will never get what you want kind of way. Unfortunately, that story is for another time. I know my posts have been sporadic but for the next three weeks at least you get to hear me talk about things I really have no idea about (love). I have no idea what it is like but I know I want it. So sit back and get ready for my three-part series on love, heartbreak, crips, and Alice. I'm BACK! Let's get emotional and reflective and stuff. 

If you have followed me for a while then you have probably already read parts 1 and 2. Just consider them recap episodes (boo...those are the worst episodes).

It’s an illustration this week! Do you like pencil sketches, love, and sweaty hands? If yes, then this is your week. I did this sketch about two years ago. It’s from a memory I had in High School. I thought it was appropriate considering I talk about love this week. So, let’s talk about love and heartbreak, specifically romantic love.

I don’t think you can have love without risking heartbreak. I want to say I have had 3 great pursuits of love, but I have only risked heartbreak twice in my life (Alice and Juliet). I probably shouldn’t even talk about love. While I do believe I have loved before it has always been one way, at least that romantic kind of love (I know it’s hard to believe). So, do I have some insight into this part of life? Does my disease give me something special to say? Let me know after you read this.

I just read an autobiography of a man with Duchenne, and it seemed like he was never close to being in a romantic relationship. He tried his whole life to be like everyone else and excelled in most ways. He was brilliant and pushed himself to scholastic excellence. It’s hard to get a full view of someone’s life from one book but he seemed lonely to me. He didn’t have a best friend that he wrote about. I couldn’t tell my story without talking about my friends and the people closest to me. I’m talking about you Jacob and many others. Friendship can help fill part of that void and if I am ever in a relationship friendship is a big part of what I will look for. As I tell you some of my stories this pattern will become obvious. I knowingly risked friendships and sometimes more (mysterious) in pursuit of a relationship.

I think I usually try friendship first because my disease is a lot for anyone all at once. If I am going to confess feelings (gross) or even just, try to ask someone out I need to know what kind of person you are. Are you tough? Duchenne is an asshole, it can take a lot out of people, both physically and emotionally. It’s weird to talk about my parents right now because I am telling you how I hit on women but here we go. I see the toll it takes on my parents. They have watched my brother and I get weaker, lose the ability to walk, take care of ourselves physically and breathe. It’s a special kind of pain watching a loved one go through something that you can’t make better. I’m glad my parents have their faith but even with that, some sadness sneaks out around the edges. For now, my parents are the closest people to me. How do I ask a stranger or someone close to me if they want to experience that? Even if that person doesn’t have to do any physical care, do I want to ask someone to have their life revolve around my physical needs? I know I would deeply care about that person but is that fair? I have a hard time dealing with my disease emotionally sometimes and I have had 33 years of practice. How do you introduce someone to that? Part of me thinks it’s incredibly selfish to ask that of someone. On top of that Duchenne has a zero percent survival rate currently. The other part of me says be selfish. If I honestly look at myself, I’m not that altruistic (not a saint? I’m shocked).

This might sound weird, but I want my hands to sweat just because I got a text from that person (even at 33). I want to have a good life that is made better when she is around. I want adventure and fun. I want to do something important, and I want her to be a part of it. I want someone I can focus on and take care of instead of focusing on a disease I can’t change. I want someone that inspires me just by being themselves. I want someone that sees me for who I am. I want more. This seems like a lot to put on anyone but what is the point of love if you don’t dream? Shouldn’t love make you dream? Shouldn’t love inspire this in people?

I hope I can inspire this in another person (not the sweating hand part). Despite all my setbacks and heartbreak, I still want this kind of love. I thought this desire was gone but I have a feeling it will be with me until I die. I’m pretty sure I will do something dumb at least a few more times because of this feeling. The heartaches I have experienced sucked, but it means those feelings were real. If I never find that person at least I know I tried. You might know this about me because I wrote a whole post about it, but I would rather try and fail than never try at all. I have given up enough times in my life already.

Some pieces of advice from my life if a woman says she doesn’t like you it doesn’t matter if you write her a book, she knows what she is talking about. I hope this doesn’t sound dumb but enjoy the time before you ask someone out. Regardless of how it goes that time period will not happen again. Also, if I happen to ask you out and you happen to of read this article before I’m sorry in advance. It’s going to be weird; it’s been weird every time before and I haven’t changed as a person.

Lastly, risk heartbreak because I think love is worth it. If I get any new information, I will let you know and update my opinion. I hope you enjoyed this post or learned something about me; I feel like I shared more than anyone would want to know. I hope I didn’t come across as desperate or melancholy. I have other goals and wants. Besides, “healthy” people have a hard time with this love stuff. I never expected it to be easy or something I deserve. I will try to explain this one fear I have about any type of relationship I try to start. The weaker I get the harder it will be for someone to see me. Meaning people won’t be able to get close to me or know me. They will confuse my lack of ability with a lack of desire to do something. It will be like I live in a different reality. I fear that the gap one day will be too large to bridge. I know I will continue to be open to love but I have made peace that this might not happen. Don’t feel bad this part of life seems universal. The fact that it is hard for everyone makes me feel a little closer to people. If some of this post feels like my heart and mind are fighting each other you’re right. That fight is in every part of my life it just seems a little more pronounced in this article to me. I didn’t know where else to put this, but I have dated before so I am not a complete social pariah. Also, don’t try looking for my dating profiles I deleted them a while ago (you can meet some cool people online. Future post?). Until next time crips and non-crips, I believe in you.