Alice (love part 2)

Most of what I know about love and heartbreak I learned from Alice. That is why I put her in part 2 of this series. She knew me before I got my trach before my disease started to win, and even before Jacob. She was the first person I texted when I got my cell phone at 16 (probably why I got one). She was at my baptism (ruba dub dub crip in a tub). She has been in my life for a long time. At 20 years old I was going through my trach surgery and one of the worst depressions of my life (Is there a stronger word than depression?). And at that point, I hadn't talked to Alice for about a year because of the "Confessing Feelings" story. 

During this dark time, most of my thoughts were about her or revolved around her. I have this unhealthy habit or survival mechanism of latching onto women when life gets extra hard. I did it when I couldn't find a job. I did it when I couldn't keep my apartment. And I did it when I had my trach surgery and I wasn't sure I would ever see Alice again. I was terrified and on heavy painkillers (which makes it better right?). I would have conversations with her in my head to cope (crazy). Not all of those conversations were happy sometimes they were filled with self-loathing. I felt small and hopeless in the hospital and I would take it out on myself. I tell you all of this to tell you that during one of the worst times in my life, she visited me. This didn't fix everything but it did help. I missed my friend, I thought I would never see her again, and I knew it was my fault. Then like no time had passed she was there with Mexican food. And just like that the pain I was carrying from her being gone disappeared. We are not as close as we used to be and that is ok, people change. I do know that whenever I have needed her, she has been there. If you haven't noticed, Alice has always been and always will be important to me. The rest of the post just reinforces this point. Thanks for reading, part 3 comes out next Monday.

Disclaimer: Alice is a dear friend who had a major impact on my life. It’s been a long time since I had any intention other than a friendship.

It’s a new character! I would like to officially introduce Alice. Do you like Goth girls, boots, first loves, and overly dramatic posts? If yes then you are in for a treat.

Being different is something I have always gravitated towards. As you can imagine I don’t exactly blend in. If I was going to have a friend, I wanted someone interesting (and still do). We will probably be friends if you’re weird, different, or socially awkward. If you look at my yearbook you would probably be able to pick her out without any additional information. She is unique in the best way.

I still remember when my mom told me about her. It was at my brother’s class picnic.

“Hey, there was this cute girl at Kenton’s picnic. She is the sister of someone in his class. She was doing these amazing drawings I think she is in your grade. Do you know her?” My mom said.

“What’s her name?”

“Alice.”

I didn’t know it at the time, but Alice would be my best friend, crush, first heartbreak, and the woman I would pursue one-sidedly for the next 10 years. She taught me what I would look for in a partner. She was an artist, musically inclined, a sci-fi/fantasy and anime nerd, cool, and objectively still one of the most beautiful women I have ever met. On top of that, she was a Christian, and at the time that was very important to me. She had a way of looking at the world that felt utterly alien even when you consider my disease. I couldn't get enough. I wanted to hear all of it. Also, she was very goth when I met her. I’m leaving out some characteristics for later. 

I did many dumb things to get close to her or impress her. I will save some of those stories for another time maybe after I have a drink or two (they are very embarrassing, still). Ok, here is a sneak peek in order of most embarrassing to least: Confessing feelings, Fall-out, Jacket kerfuffle, I can’t spell names, and letting go. Even with me acting like a hormonal idiot she has been there in my darkest moments (trach and what’s worse than a trach?).

Like Jacob and Megan, she saved me, probably more than once now that I think about it. I loved her and she was the first woman I tried to tell; things did not go as planned. I have never said that to her face (weird timing). I still love and cherish her friendship, but we are different people now and that is ok. Sometimes even today when I hear her voice and speech pattern I’m transported back to when I was 15. Before I was worried about vents, my own mortality, or my purpose in life I just had a crush on a woman way out of my league. I don’t know if everyone has a crossroads in their life but mine was Alice. I hope you are entertained by these stories. They are not all happy just warning you in advance. What story about heartbreak is? She is/was a caring, creative, funny, warm person and I hope you like her as much as I do. We have changed over the years, but those personality traits have never changed.

Since this is the second introduction you might be wondering why someone would put their most embarrassing moments on the internet. Well besides the enormous amounts of money, I have a few reasons. I want people to know they are not alone. I want people with Duchenne to live life to the fullest. Life is not fair but right now I believe the only way to fight is to enjoy your life (that's hard). And lastly, I want you to know me. Any type of relationship platonic or otherwise with me is difficult. I can’t speak very loudly, in most cases I can’t hang out at your house, I can’t go to a bar without days of planning and another person (permission slip?). I can’t do anything really without another person. My social outings are precious and few. My greatest fear is not dying or not being loved or being dependent for the rest of my life. My greatest fear is that no one will know who I am (I do have one more fear, but that is for later). You will assume I am not like you because my body is shitty. The connections I crave will always be a little out of reach. And no matter what I try eventually I will be completely alone. This hasn’t happened yet, but I have seen it happen to people like me. So, if you don’t like me that is fair if you know who I really am. No story is too difficult or embarrassing compared to that fear.

I promise you this if I can do anything to help you feel connected and valued and loved I will do it. I need to hear it too, people want to connect to you, you are valued, and you are loved. I can’t fix the worst parts of life, but I will be here doing what I can (embarrassing yourself on the internet?). Recounting funny, embarrassing, and sometimes sad stories about my life. Drawing you a comic and telling you a joke sporadically is the least I can do. Until next time crips and non-crips, I believe in you.