Once in a blue moon

Hi everyone I hope you are finding something in this blog. At some point, I would like the people who read this to pick the topic from time to time. I think that might be a little way in the future. I just want to thank everyone that reads my ramblings and likes my amateur art it means a lot to me. As much as I hope I am helping you; you might be helping me more. You give me a schedule and a place to put all my thoughts, it keeps me sane. I appreciate and love you all. Now please enjoy (I think that is the right word) the rest of the post.

I’m posting a painting I did a while ago this week (thought this was a comic page). Do you like trees, moons, and blue? If not, you are barking up the wrong tree this week (sorry…pun). I should have a comic next week. I know you are disappointed but that brings me to this week’s weird motivation, Disappointment. Is he ok? First, he talked about failure, hopelessness, loss, giving up, and death. Now he is talking about disappointment(bummer?). The short answer is yes don’t worry about me. The long answer is I draw comics on the internet while telling you motivational and slightly depressing stories of my life. Can somebody tell me if that is, okay?

Disappointment is inevitable. It can be small, like not being able to meet up with a friend because the timing didn't work. Or big like working for years to become an engineer only to find out that no one will hire you. Maybe you hurt your back after being fiercely independent your entire life and must come to terms with not being able to do what you used to. It could be a romantic disappointment, like having a crush for years and when you tell them they don't feel the same and it changes the dynamic of your current relationship for the worse. Disappointment will happen I can't make it go away. It will hurt and it happens no matter who you are. I never want you to think that just because I can do something you should be able to. Your pain is just as real as my pain. My circumstances might be a little more complicated than most but that does not diminish what you feel. I think the fact that you do feel disappointment gives me hope. If you crips and non-crips, as awesome as you are, feel disappointment maybe I am not as isolated as I thought. 

Message 2

I don’t know how appropriate it is to add these extra messages. I think I am out of time so if I am going to write stuff to leave behind, I must start now. Kinda dark sorry. I won’t use anyone’s name, but you probably know if I am talking about you. It’s weird that if I was healthy I might never of had the chance to be a close friend to you. I still think of that “healthy” life. It would have been my tenth year as an engineer this year. I don’t think I would have ever doubted my faith. I could have bought my first house and had a family by now. I wouldn’t be so far away from the people I care about, and you wouldn’t be far away. Instead, this last month threatened to unmake me. The amount of suffering and loss I have experienced in a short period of time seems unbearable. Life has been bad, and joy seems far away. However, as bad as life has been you exist, and I didn’t think you did. You don’t seem real in a good way. I think you will always be far away and don’t feel bad, most people in my life are far. Life seems distant. Sometimes my life can intersect with yours. Those are my favorite days and they are always special to me. When you are around it feels like home. That probably sounds really cheesy. Life could be amazing and if I ever get the chance to get better, I will do everything I can to get the life I want. Just the thought that this might not always be my life is too hard to comprehend. It kind of feels like everyone around me and myself included has been holding their breath waiting for something to change, good or bad. The in-between part is getting tough. When I was writing the ending of this message the first ever gene therapy for Duchenne was approved. I still think I am out of time, but I will never completely give up hope that life could be and will be good one day. 

Thanks for becoming my friend when I needed one more than I can adequately put into words. I will be your friend as long as my body holds out and maybe longer. Now back to the rest of the story.

I will give you some advice I have found the hard way. When disappointment happens don't let it define you but shape you instead. Let it shape you into a more compassionate person. Let it make you more understanding of the people around you. I hope you help the people in your life because you know what it feels like to be disappointed. If you use your disappointment to help someone else it will suck a little less, I promise. In someone’s time of need, I hope you are the person that shows up. Until next time crips and non-crips help someone, I believe in you.

In the next couple of weeks, I will be talking about my brothers, growing up with a crappy disease, the band the shut-ins, and the three women that helped to shape my worldview both romantic and otherwise. That last one will be an ongoing project. I will change the names of the women to Zelda, Alice, and Juliet to protect their privacy. It will be based on true stories from my life, but I will change some events, names, and places to keep it entertaining (less sad?). I hope it will be funny, awkward, therapeutic, weird, sad, motivational, and hopeful. Please stay tuned…